Rick Perry: Guns not kids

This post was originally written a couple of months ago, but more immediate issues intervened. In light of recent announcements, this week seemed like the week to pull it from the closet.

You know how some people can read something and miss the meaning altogether?

Like, going into a restaurant. The sign says: “Pull to open.” Only you push and can't open the door. And neither can the people inside trying to push to exit because you're pushing it closed.

I used to work in a multimedia lab and for weeks we would post large signs saying, “The lab will be closed for maintenance on….” On the date posted people would bang on the door demanding to be let in. And then, if we were kind enough to open the door and point to the sign saying “The lab will be closed for maintenance,” they would say, “So can I use the computers?”

Then there are those people who read the Gospels time and time again, profess to believe every word, promise to do what Jesus would do, and then behave as though they read Machiavelli or a white supremacy manifesto.

Like, say, Texas Governor Rick Perry, who not only professes to listen to God and to do what Jesus would do, he even holds quasi annual rallies to bring the state back to Christ. But, even though the Gospels enjoin us to care for the poor and needy, when he had an opportunity to provide health care to poor women and children, he killed the program.

He wouldn't even have had to pay for it himself, nor would Texas taxpayers. These were federal dollars. But because they made services available to the poor he didn't think they should have access to, he refused the money and shut the programs down.

Granted, the clinics were funded by taxes Texans paid to the Federal government, but this also meant he took out tax dollars and sent them to another state, without asking. Which is stealing.

Governor Rick demonstrating his grasp of the Gospels.

He is a big believer in the second commandment, however. “Thou shalt bear arms.” He's even gone one better. This week he announced his initiative to bring gun manufacturers to Texas with an appearance at the NRA convention and a video showing him shooting semi-automatic rifles.

You can check it out on YouTube.

He even gave a speech at the convention claiming that gun control advocates outraged over the murder of children at Sandy Hook were little more than opportunists. He said that we can set our watches by the response time between mass murder and the outcry for gun control. The entire theme of the convention was that gun owners are freedom fighters.

I'm sorry, I can't picture Jesus making a public display of brandishing weapons and calling for his followers to pick up arms and fight for freedom. In fact, Jesus called for his followers to do the opposite of what was expected. If someone strikes us on the cheek, offer the other one. If someone takes our coat, offer our shoes. If someone threatens us with a weapon, surrender ours.

Except, Christians don't carry weapons. We are commanded to only carry a staff for walking and sandals. (Mark 6).

Nor are we allowed to turn away those in need. Even those in need of health care. Especially when the care is on someone else's dime.

Epilogue

Fortunately, we are now in a good news/bad news situation. The good news is Perry announced he has served his last term as Governor of Texas. He will be stepping down at the end of this term. The bad news is that there is a lot more bad news. First, retirement means nothing these days. Perry could be back to run in 2018 when God reveals that he laid his retirement on the altar, like Isaac, and his sacrifice was acceptable so now he can return. Or, second, God could reveal in 2016 that he really meant for Perry to run for President and Texas (not to mention Jesus and Christians in general) will once again be held up to ridicule internationally, at least until he washes out of the first three primaries.

Finally, for Texans the worst news is that Gregg Abbott is his heir apparent, and he makes Perry look like a cuddly Care Bear. The only question is how much of the blame will he lay off on Jesus. Perry was awfully good at it.

 

The Gospel according to the NRA

For my 2013 return I thought it would be appropriate to include some passages from the newly discovered Gospel of the NRA. I was tempted to comment, but since the Bible is literal, it should need no explication:

From the Sermon on the Mount

And ye did Jesus say unto them, “Blessed are the owners of guns for they can take matters into their own hands.” And he spoke unto them a parable: “A poor man had a home, a wife, a small measure of land and a semi-automatic rifle. One day a black man came to his house and said, 'Give aid to the homeless.'

And that poor man, having nothing but his house and semi-automatic did shoot that black man immediately because of threat of the homeless overtaking his home. The next day, therein, the law came to his house and said 'Thou arest justified in this righteous shooting because the homeless could have made thy home their home and what right does a man have in this world but his right to worship as he chooses and to bear arms.'

Later that day the banker came to foreclose on his home because he was one day late on his mortgage for the first time in the twenty-nine years of his thirty year mortgage. The poor man shot the banker in the defense of his home. The law came the next day and imprisoned him. Wherein do you think it is just that the poor man could defend his home from the black man and not from the banker?

And his disciples said, “How can it not be just that he defend his home against one and not the other, for it is his second amendment right to bear arms?”

And Jesus said, “See you not the difference? He shot the black man in defense of his home, but the banker was truly the homeowner until the mortgage was paid. Wherefore the banker, being the true owner of the home, should have taken his concealed weapon and killed the man and his entire family but for the laws of his district which forbid concealed weapons even though it was his second amendment right.

Had the banker chosen to exercise his right he would have been forgiven for defending his home as true owner and the courts would have been allowed to overturn the concealed weapons ban. But because the true owner failed to exercise his rights, the poor man was convicted of murder only and the courts were never given the opportunity to repeal the true injustice, the infringement upon the banker's second amendment rights, and, verily the poor man's as well. So the poor man was condemned to die justly, but with an infringement upon his legal rights intact.”

And the disciples were amazed by the wisdom of his words.

The Last Supper:

While the disciples were arguing who among them was the greatest marksman, Jesus took up Peter's AR-17 and said. “This is my semi-automatic. Take, share and use responsibly for my sake. For unless thou art prepared for the great day with training and target practice you may be found wanting.

Then he said, “These are my bullets. Take load and use them in defense of your homes. For the meek are takers and you create rights for all.” And the disciples did finish their dinner in silence and awe.

The Garden of Gethsemane

And Jesus prayed, “Lord pass the cup and the gun to me for I fear no man when I am armed with thy righteousness and my second amendment rights. And my HK sp89.” And when he was finished praying the temple guards came to arrest him.

When Jesus' followers saw what was going to happen, they said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear.

But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he grabbed his sp89 and shot the high priest in the forehead as was his right to self defense spelled out in the second amendment. Seeing that all the disciples were armed, the temple guard fled in dismay.

And Jesus was not crucified on the passover for yea the second amendment implies that with an armed militia there need be no other redemption. The liberals did flee the temple and peace was restored to Israel. Nor did they fear the Palestinians because they were able to stockpile weapons for two millennia before the United Nations sold the Israelites down the river.

Guns R Us

I had planned on signing off until after the New Year with a message about the season of peace, but a shooter at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut put an end to that. Even then, I didn't see the need to post about it until the American Family Association and Mike Huckabee decided to drag God into it.

There could be a reasonable debate about the shootings, but that isn't going to happen. Nonetheless, the discussion should be centered around the nation's gun policy (or lack of it). But, as always happens after this kind of disaster, someone claiming to speak for God wants us to know that God had a hand in the events.

I suppose this shouldn't come as a surprise. The idea that God is all-powerful, all-knowing and present every where in the world pervades Christian thought, even though it isn't a Christian idea. The idea originated with Aristotle as a description of an impersonal prime mover. The God of Jesus is powerful, but, more importantly, he is all loving.

In the Jewish and Christian scripture we do see the belief that God's hand is at work in nature. But the view that God controls every event is a reach. Furthermore, the notion that God punishes those who turn their back on him is a common theme, but in the Tanakh he punished nations for their sins. He doesn't single out innocents.

Nonetheless, the Christian Right is back again with two different theories about God's role in the massacre. Bryan Fisher, of the American Family Association, offers the “gentleman's theory,” which claims that God doesn't intrude where he isn't welcome. Since God isn't welcome in public schools, he simply watched from the sideline like any gentleman.

We can thank Mike Huckabee for the more traditional interpretation. God punished those kids because prayer is banned in schools.

Of course, those kids had nothing to do with the decision to ban prayer in schools. Sending a crazed assassin to punish them for the actions of the Supreme Court seems to imply that God has a sick sense of justice or he isn't very competent. Nor is prayer banned from schools, only mandatory public prayer. Nor is God banned, for that matter. Christians believe in a personal God who walks beside every believer at every moment of their day. There is nothing in the Supreme Court decision that forbids that.

In fact, if Jesus walks beside believers, there is nothing the Supreme Court can do to stop him.

I forgot the third theory. Westboro Baptist Church contends the children were murdered because Connecticut embraced gay marriage. In the words of one tweet, the members of Westboro will “sing praise to God for the glory of his work in executing his judgment.” Another tweet claims, “God sent the shooter in small first taste of coming wrath for fag marriage.”

There is this theory: The gunman is responsible. The people who allowed him access to guns facilitated. Instead of trying to hold God or liberals accountable, hold him accountable first.

If there is any war on Christmas, Christians are conducting it.